Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
