My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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