watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
