Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
