Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
