You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
