Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
