So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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