Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
