At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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