i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
