made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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