One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
