The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
