New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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