I think my fart just growled at me.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
