y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
