My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
