I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
