i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
