Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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