Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
