Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
