I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
