conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
