btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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