capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
