i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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