i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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