A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
pray to the hookup gods
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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