If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
