she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize