the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
