Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
