guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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