True but thats because hes a fetus.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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