I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
