I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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