VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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