Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
