A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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