dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize