she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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