I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
