Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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