I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
