I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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