Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
