good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I skipped work to stalk him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
COCAINE IS GR8
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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