someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
