and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
