How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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