I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
