you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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