the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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