I only kidnapped one of them. chill
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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