People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
